mid morning bender

mid morning bender

Amy-

Just got back from my accountant’s office, it’s been a bumpy morning and I’ve decided to treat myself to a wee drink in your honor.  Reviewing my financial portfolio has really taken it out of me!  Your suggestion of going with Madoff seemed like such suave advice at the time, I felt so lucky to be accepted by him- taken in, as it were, Yes- taken in.  You know, if you say his name really slowly after a couple coctails, it seamlessly slurrs from Madoff to Made-off.  But you know me, not one to wallow in my troubles, or at least if I’m going to wallow, I’m going to make it look good- I present, for your approval… “The Flaming Amy” a plesant little cocktail where you burn meat effigies of rivals, fraudsters and anyone who works high up at AIG.  It’s so simple and fun to make I knew you’d want the recipie…

Ingrediants:

Beef Jerky

Tomato or veggie juice

Rum and it’s got to be at least 100 proof, today is really a 151 kind of day

seasoning mix

peppers for garnish

To Make:

  • Mix up your spices, I used paprika, corriander, lemon pepper, chili pepper and lots of Kosher Salt.  Set this aside on a small plate.
  • With siscors cut a small person shape from the jerky.  I’d reccomend anything on the long side, chips and cubes won’t work.  Turkey jerky is an acceptable substitute and fun to say.
  • Dip the rim of your martini glass into a shallow bowl of water and shake off excess (you’ll want to use the thick cheap glasses for this one and not mom’s heirloom crystal)
  • Press the glass into the salt mix
  • Fill glass 3/4 full with tomato juice or veggie blend- I went with V-8, it had that breakfast feel.
  • Add garnish, peppers, celerey and jalapenoes are all nice additions
  • Add jerk person
  • Pour one liberal shot of 151 rum on top of jerk person and let float on top of glass
  • Light jerk with match
  • Bask in the glow, enjoy the moment, blow out the fire, THEN drink

A few things to keep in mind. DON’T DRINK THIS WHILE IT IS ON FIRE you WILL hurt yourself.  You know I hate to see you in pain.  A shot of Roses Lime would be tasty in this too, though I haven’t tried it yet.  For double the punch you can also add a shot of Voodoo Spiced RedRum.  I love the flavor, but it isn’t strong enough to burn on it’s own.  It comes in the most amazing coffin shaped bottle and when you look through one side the letters say MURDER, my patron saints.  They also play a track from Los Straitjackets on their website and that my friend is as good as it gets.

Funeral Greeting Card Amy,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.. what if you don’t pull through.. what your last words might be… if you ever had the chance to do a full police interview, what you left me in your will, what to wear to your funeral… it’s the last point that really resonates with me.  Should I be demure, or wear red and dance like a vixen.  The whole thing is keeping me up at night.  To cope with the multiple dilemmas, I’ve fashioned a little diorama, I find visual aids so comforting.  It’s been fun moving the little pieces around, where to place the wreath, I even made a small cat to give the scene levity and best of all the play set folds up into a greeting card.  If I hurry I can probably get this in the last post to you today… I’ve also decided this is one gift which really should be shared, so I’ve put it up on our Etsy shop, in honor of you and your life which hangs in the balance…

wpdeerAmy my sweet-

What a thoughtful friend you are, at first I was distressed to get your note about the live birds strutting around my house, but clever me, inspiration and great crafting was only a half a tank of gas away!

When I realized my living room was under siege, I high tailed it over to the orphanage for supplies and a couple extra hands- we grabbed vacuum hoses, duct tape and a few dozen pillow cases.  Ten minutes later we backed up my Jeep to the front porch, sealed the windows and doors and ran a hose from my exhaust pipe in through the mailbox- fortunately the kids and the dog were off at the park!  We spent the next half hour in the car revving the engine and flipping through channels on talk radio, man you wouldn’t believe the crazy stuff that happens on A.M., makes our lives seem kinda dull!

My scheme worked like a charm, the birds dropped dead almost immediately and I think the sofa is the only living room piece which will need to be recovered (bill is on the way for that one!).  I supervised the waifs in turkey plucking, we used the left over feathers for new pillows and then I dropped the kids off at the highway on-ramp where they managed to sell the carcasses for $40 a piece! After splitting the profits I took Oliver Twist & Co. back home for some well deserved rest.

I was pretty tired myself but wanted to send you a little “Thank You” memento- fortunately chocolate candies come together in a snap and I was able to whip up this little treat.   I hope the shape doesn’t bring back too many painful memories for you, it was the only candy mold I had in the house.  It’s amazing to see how fast you’re recovering, I hear goring by a deer is one of the most painful injuries a person can have, and if that antler had been just an inch to the left… well it gives me the shivers.

Get well soon!

Shawn

Amy's brother Buck

Amy's brother Buck

Mrs. Bowman-

Thank you for the kind note inquiring about my health, and for the delicious cocktail. I would prefer to keep the details of the situation private, but the cast has given me a great opportunity to practice my gold leafing skills. Although I wasn’t able to make anything at craft night I did make a lovely pair of arm warmer gloves from an shirt destined for the Goodwill bin. Just a small thing to keep my hands busy during this difficult time.  I did have one question for you. The animal control officers are baffled by how the deer got into my house. Especially without breaking any windows. Did you ever give me back that extra key? No matter, I’ve been needing a set of antlers for that jackalope costume I’ve been working on. I hope you and your charming family have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I wanted to get you a turkey to smooth over any hard feelings, but then i thought “why just one when I could get 35?” The truck driver just called and let me know you weren’t home, so I made sure he let himself in the back door. I know Lucy is sensitive to animal suffering, so i had him free them from those tiny cages. It will make for quite a festive feast once you finish killing them all! Have a great holiday.

All my love, Amy

Mud-in-your-eye

Mud-in-your-eye

Dear Amy-

Wow! I was so sorry to hear about your accident.  I hope you are beginning to feel a bit better.  I must say you’re lucky to be alive! That’s certainly what the detective investigating the case told me during our multiple interviews.  More on that later, for now you should rest up.  I’m guessing you’ll want to deffer our craft-off challenge, at least until the body cast comes off.  It must be horrible for you, laying in bed, all that time on your hands, and not be able to make anything. Don’t be too glum chum, think of our patron saint Frida Kahlo and all the mileage she got out of that body cast, really the suffering is inspiration waiting to happen.  It’s a drag that you’ll be missing craft night, it really won’t be the same without you.  In your honor, I’ve concocted a new dessert/cocktail, something delicious, soothing and can be eaten with a straw- Helpful when your jaw is wired shut, right! The added bonus is it’s innocence.  I should be able to sneak it into the hospital without anyone detecting the true kick-ass alcohol potential of this lil gem, I call it… “Mud in Your Eye”.  Here’s the recipe for when you’re up and around and can make it yourself…

Ingredients:

1 large box cherry flavored jello

1 box chocolate instant pudding mix

1 cup milk

2 cups whipped cream

2 cups Stoli vodka

1 cup Coffee Liqueur- I prefer Godiva but assume you’ll go for the cheap stuff which would work fine too.

To Make:

Several hours ahead make the cherry jello as directed on box, substitute vodka for 1/2 of the water called for in recipie on box.  (should be two cups depending on brand).  Pour into fancy glasses and let set for about four hours.  Make the instant pudding according to recipe on box, substituting one cup of coffee liqueur for half of milk portion directed.  In a separate bowl beat the whipped cream into stiff peaks.  Add the pudding mix to the whipped cream in two batches, folding gently.  Can be served immediately or will keep for several days.  Garnish with shaved chocolate and a straw if needed.

Amy polishes her icon

Amy polishes her icon

Mrs Bowman,

Wow! thank you so much for the wonderful new pet! As it turns out, your lost snake is a delight to have around the house. I spent most of last evening playing music for him while he swayed and danced and talked about how happy he was to be free of his previous household. Then i made a fleece snake cozy for him and he set out in search of food- Something about a white spotted dog with a yellow sweater chaser…

I’m trilled you were able to make such a cute bag out of your pathetically, tragically destroyed garment. Unfortunately I will have a hard time finding anything so mangled in my own closet. Perhaps you have something you can provide to me?

Your challenge is a wonderful idea. I love a chance to continue my craft dominance over you.  I will have one of my staff members run right over with my item just as soon as it is completed.  Now if you excuse my rush, I have a trophy to polish.

xoxo

amy

Before

Before

Amy-

It was so thoughtful of you to call my husband yesterday, but really YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE!  I’ll admit that I was pleasantly surprised to see him tidying up the house and doing laundry.  He said it was your idea, that perhaps I wouldn’t feel so run down if the place wasn’t such a “pig sty”, and you’re right, I’ve let my domestic duties go completely in the crapper since you stole my IPRC Text Ball Costume Contest Winner title… However to suggest to him to “wash everything in hot water especially my new sweater from Anthropologie” is beyond sporting.  What was the cornerstone of my fall wardrobe and perfectly matches my new princess flats, now doesn’t even fit the dog. The gloves are off bitch!  Rather than prank call you at work or tamper with the breaks on your pickup, I’ve decided to get you where it really hurts… a craft off.  The challenge… in 48 hours you need to modify one garment which has been accidentally been damaged by someone close to you.  If you’re having a hard time thinking of something I’d be happy to come over and help you out with the 1st part. I’ll need before and after photo documentation and a signed affidavit that you completed the work yourself and didn’t pawn it of on some five-year-old.

As you’ll note from my pictures, I’ve taken the lemons and made lemonade… what once was a shrunken felted mess is now an ever-so-cute clutch with apliqued flowers and bakelite handle which I salvaged from something my mother passed on to me… So, good luck the clock is ticking…

After, one cute clutch!

After, one cute clutch!

Goes by the name of Bingo

Goes by the name of Bingo

Amy my love,

Shoot!  So sorry to have missed our sunset rendezvous.  I had actually stopped by your house this evening, with a peace offering of my own.  No one was home so I let myself in.  Regretfully the boa constrictor I’ve been looking after this weekend for Xander’s 1st grade class slipped out of my purse while I was inside.  He’s fairly small and shouldn’t pose any threat.  Unfortunately he hightailed it into your heating duct before I could get my hands on him.  He should come out when he gets hungry enough, you could leave out a small mouse or perhaps a dead squirrel, I hear you’ve got a lot of them around these days.  With the days getting shorter he may go into an early hibernation, especially if he starts nesting in your walls so it might be late spring before you actually see him, of course by then he may have grown several feet and be a bit more frisky.  The children told me that he is easily agitated by music and especially dislikes accordion music and holiday tunes in particular. Under no circumstances should you practice the accordion while he is in the house, especially if you are on the telephone, this may send him into mouth foaming fits and he may bite.  Just a quick heads up on that one.

Sleep with one eye open!

Shawn

A long winding road

A long winding road

Hello Mrs Bowman!

I wanted to extend a peace offering to soothe your wounded crafting ego. I know you love pies so i’m inviting you to attend my first annual “mud pie sculpting contest”! I’ve reserved a special spot so you can have privacy and quiet while you concentrate on making a wonderful and at least 2nd rate pie! If you travel highway 84 towards the gorge you will find a road leading south at the 34th mile marker. I’ve marked it with some black balloons to make it easy to find. Follow this road to the dead end and continue on foot to the far side of the clearing under the listing oak tree. You’ll find I’ve made a wonderful hole for your mud gathering. It should be at least 6 feet deep.  Happy sculpting! If you leave now you can make it just in time for sunset!

All my love,

Amy

First place Text Ball Costume Maker

grey_squirrel

mrs bowman,

this morning in our daily meeting, one of my staff members reported to me that i am to be your nemesis.           i wanted to let you know just how thrilled i am to take on this exceptional role. i assure you i will perform this duty with the kind of passion i usually reserve for kicking your ass in costume contests. at this very moment i’ve employed tim burton’s team of squirrel trainers to improve the daily torment inflicted on your lovely dog and to likewise increase your enjoyment this torment.

i don’t want to give any more of my games away- that would be no fun- but i do want to let you know that i am currently learning “jingle bells” on the accordion. i hope you like the song- it may be the last thing you ever hear.

thank you again for the lovely invitation.

i look forward to tormenting you until the day you die…

xoxo

amy